Most days, living with bipolar is just another day for me. I know I don’t have as many issues with my brain and mind as some other people have, and mine is controlled pretty well. I have my routine for handling it, and it works, most of the time. But, sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you KNOW, it’s about what you FEEL. Sometimes, what you feel can be pretty damn scary.
Panic and/or anxiety attacks are par for the course with my bipolar disorder. Being alone is sometimes a curse and a blessing. On the nights Danny works overnights, I try to keep myself busy. I also realize why people have the tv on a lot, for background noise. Noises from the cats make my heart race a little faster, at least until I figure out what the noise is. There are nights that I’m having a full out panic attack before he even leaves for work. I know what is happening, I realize why it’s happening, but there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop it. It makes Danny feel bad for having to go to work and that makes me feel even worse. I know it’s not my fault, and he knows it’s not his, but I can’t help it.
Other nights, most nights, I am totally fine. It’s pretty much a crap shoot for me. There are times I know will trigger a panic attack, other times, I’m driving the car and next thing I know, I can’t breathe, my hands are shaking and I have to pull over.
I try to avoid situations that will send me into anxiety attacks as well. We just had my 20 year high school reunion, and the only thing that had me going is because I have this one totally awesome friend, -and Danny- who stayed with me all evening. I talked myself out of going a million times before I actually went. I was so sick to my stomach, and I was SCARED. These are people I went to school with my entire life, and I was scared of them. I worked through it, with Danny’s help, we went and I had a great time. It’s getting over the hump, through the anxiety attack that is hard.
I’m working on it. I’m also looking for more ways to control my attacks when I have them. So if you have ideas, I’d like to hear them!!